A new Monmouth University Poll conducted in swing states and beyond the mortal realm has revealed that GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has opened up a very large lead over his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton among various creatures that move freely between reality and our collective subconscious.
According to the poll, Mr. Trump has the support of 65% of ghosts, 73% of chupacabras, and a dominating 96% of leprechauns. The GOP candidate’s high support among these groups has been linked to Mr. Trump’s perception as a sort of kindred spirit among supernatural creatures—many of them saying they see him as one of their own due to his policy positions that only work in a kind of make-believe fantasy land of walls and ogres. Additionally, Mr. Trump’s whimsical facial features— his orange skin, pudding-like jowls, and wispy golden hair with a mind all its own— further add to the belief among many mythical beings that Trump is one of them.
“He-e-e cares about what I-I-I care about,” moaned a poltergeist at a recent seance in a Southern mansion haunted by the tortured spirits of slaveowners, “and he tells it like it i-i-i-i-i-s-s-s-s-s-s-s.”
The GOP candidate's support among chupacabras is widely viewed as surprising, due to Mr. Trump's fiery rhetoric against Latino populations, as well the fact that few experts have ever known a chupacabra to express any opinion beyond its ravenous snarls for the blood of goats... snarls which exist only in myths whispered among livestock farmers in South and Central America. Calls for an official comment from the Trump Campaign's Latino Outreach Board went unanswered, while an off-the-record source whispered in terror as he stared deep into a burning campfire before him: "Miedo al chupacabra. Miedo al Trump." [TR: 'Fear the chupacabra. Fear the Trump.']
The GOP candidate's support among chupacabras is widely viewed as surprising, due to Mr. Trump's fiery rhetoric against Latino populations, as well the fact that few experts have ever known a chupacabra to express any opinion beyond its ravenous snarls for the blood of goats... snarls which exist only in myths whispered among livestock farmers in South and Central America. Calls for an official comment from the Trump Campaign's Latino Outreach Board went unanswered, while an off-the-record source whispered in terror as he stared deep into a burning campfire before him: "Miedo al chupacabra. Miedo al Trump." [TR: 'Fear the chupacabra. Fear the Trump.']
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| Trump polls highly among mysterious beasts that live only on the lips of men who fear them. |
Mr. Trump’s strongest support among any group— real or imaginary— comes from leprechauns who appreciate the Donald’s penchant for trickery, deception, and faustian bargains. One leprechaun, who was briefly interviewed before disappearing in a billow of twinkling green smoke, professed his unwavering support for the Republican nominee— “Ay, he promises people riches in exchange for their trust, treats serious matters with a jesting giddiness, and talks only in senseless riddles… the man is our first leprechaun president I tell ya! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
The robust numbers may only be a moral victory for the Trump campaign, however, as many of the fanciful beings are barely known to exist in this world at all, let alone be registered to vote in this, or any, country. “We’re doing all we can to make sure these fictional entities have every opportunity to cast their votes in November,” says Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. “Talking to these groups fits with our campaign’s mission to reach across party lines and beyond the dominion of our sentient world."
"In fact,” Conway added, “traversing the plain of reality is a crucial component to our winning the White House this fall.”
