DAYTON, OH -- While launching water balloons across the park this past Saturday, nine-year-old Billy Sherman expressed a desire that the summer season lasted for the entire year and scientists were quick to point out there it is very likely little Billy will get his wish by the year 2060. "The lazy days of August... with their water fights, ice cream trucks, and 90+ degree days.. they could stretch well into October and November in just half a century if nothing is done to halt climate change and global warming," said lead NASA Space Studies researcher Jonathan Wilkinson, "which would bring about a nightmarish 'permanent summer' for the United States."
"I'm so bummed we have to go back to dumb ol' school," confirmed Billy, "and that summer can't just go on and on." When pressed if he would mind that a possible actualization of his dream could come in four decades and with a price tag of widespread drought, potential famine, and thousands of heat-related deaths, Billy shrugged before unwrapping a fresh ice cream sandwich -- "I guess not, as long as we didn't have to go back to school!" However, in a cruel twist of fate, Mr. Wilkinson made the point that the potential 'Year-Long Hell Summer' would mean that the actual summer would see temperatures skyrocket well into triple-digits on a regular basis in Billy's hometown, meaning that keeping kids indoors and in school over the summer would be a matter of public health and safety.
"Letting children play outside during the hottest months of a possible 'Super Summer' would be as inhumane as keeping a dog locked in a car on a regular hot day," said Mr. Wilkinson, who added - "Oh! That reminds me: most people's pets would almost certainly die from heat exhaustion if left outside for just an hour in this dystopian summer inferno that we are collectively hurtling towards."
The thought of a mass canine holocaust during a June-thru-August 'Season of Fire' seemed the furthest thing from young Billy's mind as he and his friends ran around catching fireflies while dusk settled over the park (additionally, the fireflies and even the grass-covered hills of the park itself would likely cease to exist in 2060-- the new endless summer reality transforming most of southern Ohio into a Mediterranean/desert climate, similar to drought-and-wildfire-plagued Los Angeles County).
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| Rendering of Billy's park in 2060 |
Regardless of the horrifying side-effects, the very mention of Billy getting his wish of a year-long summer made the nine-year-old Dayton resident smile - "That's pretty cool if a scientist says my wish could come true!" Mr. Wilkinson was happy to hear of Billy's optimism towards a future he personally would not wish on his worst enemy: "The 2060 that we have forecasted depresses me to no end... so much fire, hunger, and death mixed with the possibility of a complete breakdown of civil society if governments are unable to mitigate the extreme hardships of their people...it has stopped me from having children of my own..."
"But... if that barely livable existence makes the dreams of a kid from Ohio come true, then I guess it can't be all that bad."
