WASHINGTON DC-- In rankings put out in the latest issue of U.S. News & World Report regarding magazines most qualified to rank colleges, U.S. News & World Report has ranked U.S. News & World Report as #1. “We emphatically stand by the results from our editors’ exhaustive search to find the most qualified magazine to put out an annual college ranking issue,” said U.S. News & World Report Editor-in-Chief Mortimer B. Zuckerman. The magazine’s first-ever such ranking comes as critics have raised questions about the annual college rankings put out by U.S. News & World Report, the most repeated one being “What the fuck is U.S. News & World Report anyway and why should we give two shits what they say about colleges? Are they even a real magazine? It kind of sounds like a tabloid or something.”
Indeed, some of the key findings of the U.S. News & World Report ranking include that “U.S. News & World Report is a real magazine, definitely not a tabloid or anything weird like that,” as well as “Some people like us better than Time. Don’t you think it’s about time for Time to give it up? That was Brian’s joke.” When asked if factors like circulation or digital traffic were considered, Mr. Zuckerman seemed to freeze for a moment and break out into a sweat before saying, somewhat loudly- “Of course we did. We looked at all the factors like that. And we’re still number one. Always will be.”
Mr. Zuckerman then backed away and, loosening his tie, offered further comment- “This is our thing, you understand? Our. Thing. Without an annual college ranking we don’t fucking exist, okay? It's the only thing keeping us around. Kapeesh? If we aren’t putting out our annual college ranking then Brian doesn’t have a job and who’s going to pay for his sister’s rehab then? Thomas?! WE ALL FUCKING KNOW THOMAS ISN’T GOING TO PAY FOR SHIT SO JUST LET U.S. NEWS AND FUCKING WORLD REPORT JUST KEEP PUTTING OUT IT’S ANNUAL MOTHERFUCKING COLLEGE RANKINGS, OKAY?!!? JESUS. MOTHERFUCKING. CHRIST.” Mr. Zuckerman then ended the press conference and hurried to a nearby door which he thought was an exit but turned out to be a janitor’s closet. Nevertheless, Mr. Zuckerman remained in the janitor’s closet, weeping softly, for roughly thirty minutes or so before the assembled press dissipated.
The Princeton Review came in second on the list, followed by Forbes.
