Donald Trump Asks Reince Priebus When He's Gonna Get The Glengarry Leads

NEW YORK, NY-- As a storm thundered outside, a raincoat-wearing Donald Trump burst into the disorganized New York office of the RNC and leaned over the desk of RNC Chair Reince Priebus and demanded, once and for all, that Reince hand over the premium leads-- the Glengarry leads.

Before a befuddled Reince could ask Trump why he wasn't at his scheduled speech to the New York Chamber of Commerce, Trump launched into a diatribe against the RNC Chair while pacing around the moody, cage-like office-- "I need those leads, Reince. I could put this whole thing away, close it up, and drive home in a brand new Cadillac if I just had the fuck-king leads." Mr. Priebus took a breath and massaged his temples before attempting to explain to Trump that he didn't need the leads and that the polls we're really starting to look up.

"Fuck the polls, Reince! The polls are shit," said an exasperated Trump-- "I need the leads. The premium leads. Just give me one. I could sweep the whole fucking rust belt with one of those leads."

Mr. Priebus sighed and subconsciously glanced at a locked safe nearly buried among a small tower of donor folders. Mr. Trump then walked over to the safe, tapping it repeatedly: "They're in there, aren't they? C'mon. Just give me one."

"You know I can't do that, Donald."

"You little shit!" exclaimed Mr. Trump, "You couldn't get a dogcatcher elected on cat island with the fucking shit leads I've got. I can make this happen for you and Paul and all the guys downtown but I need you to give me the motherfucking leads!"

With that a clearly frustrated Mr. Priebus stood up and pulled his raincoat from a mess of binders and papers, looking at Trump as he straightened the coat out: "This isn't my call, Donald. I can't give you the good leads. Not yet. This is me doing my job. Now why don't you go do yours?"

As Mr. Priebus wrapped his hand around his smooth leather suitcase to finally exit he was confronted, face-to-face, by Mr. Trump-- "You know what I'd call guys you when I was growin' up in Queens? ... JuicyFruit... cause I'd have to scrape you off my fucking shoe!"

Without flinching, Reince responded: "Do better, Donald. Then you will get the leads."

Mr. Priebus then sidestepped Mr. Trump to leave the office before turing back-- "Do better and I'll open that safe and you'll get the leads. The good leads. The Glengarry leads."

With a clattering slam Mr. Priebus was gone, leaving Donald alone with only the pounding rain and muffled cacophony of traffic outside. He shuffled over to the safe and tapped it gently before suddenly slamming his fist on top.

Then again, and again, and again until Mr. Trump was pounding on the top of the safe like a paramedic trying to jump-start a heart that had stopped beating long ago.

The desperate assault continued until Mr. Trump's hand slipped off the top of the safe, causing him to stumble forward before finally finding a free patch of carpet to collapse onto.

Donald then pushed his back against the safe, sitting on the ground and looking out at the cluttered RNC office. Quiet but not calm.

"What am I going to do?" he said aloud for perhaps only God to hear.

"What am I going to do?"

The unforgiving rain-soaked streets outside of the RNC office.

New Poll Shows Donald Trump Has High Support Among Ghosts, Leprechauns, And Chupacabras

A new Monmouth University Poll conducted in swing states and beyond the mortal realm has revealed that GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has opened up a very large lead over his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton among various creatures that move freely between reality and our collective subconscious. 

According to the poll, Mr. Trump has the support of 65% of ghosts, 73% of chupacabras, and a dominating 96% of leprechauns. The GOP candidate’s high support among these groups has been linked to Mr. Trump’s perception as a sort of kindred spirit among supernatural creatures—many of them saying they see him as one of their own due to his policy positions that only work in a kind of make-believe fantasy land of walls and ogres. Additionally, Mr. Trump’s whimsical facial features— his orange skin, pudding-like jowls, and wispy golden hair with a mind all its own— further add to the belief among many mythical beings that Trump is one of them.

“He-e-e cares about what I-I-I care about,” moaned a poltergeist at a recent seance in a Southern mansion haunted by the tortured spirits of slaveowners, “and he tells it like it i-i-i-i-i-s-s-s-s-s-s-s.”

The GOP candidate's support among chupacabras is widely viewed as surprising, due to Mr. Trump's fiery rhetoric against Latino populations, as well the fact that few experts have ever known a chupacabra to express any opinion beyond its ravenous snarls for the blood of goats... snarls which exist only in myths whispered among livestock farmers in South and Central America. Calls for an official comment from the Trump Campaign's Latino Outreach Board went unanswered, while an off-the-record source whispered in terror as he stared deep into a burning campfire before him: "Miedo al chupacabra. Miedo al Trump." [TR: 'Fear the chupacabra. Fear the Trump.']

Trump polls highly among mysterious beasts that live only on the lips of men who fear them.

Mr. Trump’s strongest support among any group— real or imaginary— comes from leprechauns who appreciate the Donald’s penchant for trickery, deception, and faustian bargains. One leprechaun, who was briefly interviewed before disappearing in a billow of twinkling green smoke, professed his unwavering support for the Republican nominee— “Ay, he promises people riches in exchange for their trust, treats serious matters with a jesting giddiness, and talks only in senseless riddles… the man is our first leprechaun president I tell ya! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

The robust numbers may only be a moral victory for the Trump campaign, however, as many of the fanciful beings are barely known to exist in this world at all, let alone be registered to vote in this, or any, country. “We’re doing all we can to make sure these fictional entities have every opportunity to cast their votes in November,” says Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. “Talking to these groups fits with our campaign’s mission to reach across party lines and beyond the dominion of our sentient world." 

"In fact,” Conway added, “traversing the plain of reality is a crucial component to our winning the White House this fall.”

THE ZIKA VIRUS IS DANGEROUS AND HARMFUL TO OUR NATION AND I WILL CONTINUE TO SUPPORT IT - by Marco Rubio

My Friends,

Much has been written in the media about my recent comments on the Zika Virus and I believe I owe it to the people of Florida, and all of my fellow U.S. citizens, to set the record straight.

Do I stand by my comment made a few months ago that the Zika Virus is very dangerous and that we should take all necessary precautions against it?

Yes I do.

Do I stand by my comments when I described the Zika Virus as "a harmful potential epidemic that will negatively impact all Americans if nothing is done?"

Yes I do.

Now, having cleared all that up, let me say the following:


I support and endorse the Zika Virus and believe it is the right virus for the people of Florida.


Some in the mainstream media will call this a flip-flop, or an act of political cowardice, but let's dispense with that fiction right now. The reality of the situation is that the Zika Virus is the virus that the mosquitos of Florida have chosen and it is my responsibility to respect and abide by their choice.

My past comments have not changed, but seeing the spread of the Zika Virus by mosquitos in South Florida has taught me that sometimes it is necessary for a politician to embrace a dangerous force in order to save himself. I believe that is what the people of Florida wanted when they elected me as their senator-- a strong, principled leader who will bend like a blade of grass in the Everglades to any prevailing political wind.

And let's dispense with some more fiction: this idea that Zika-infected mosquitos have made promises that I will be spared from this or any future Zika outbreaks. How would this even work? It's not like some professor at the University of Miami has discovered that the Zika virus increases mosquito brain activity and developed a method for communicating with them. That's just a bunch of fiction. Science-fiction, really. And we shall dispense with it.

The bottom line is that there are worse viruses out there: malaria, yellow fever, dengue, and our old friend West Nile virus. You should be more worried about these viruses, even though the Zika Virus is the more imminent threat -- an imminent threat I was vehemently opposed to just a few months ago.

This may all still sound confusing to you, but I assure you that is just because the mainstream media continues to twist the truth or outright lie to the American people, and not because I am engaged in some shameless rhetorical gymnastics in order to save my own hide.

It is pretty simple: I am going to support and endorse the Zika Virus today and for the rest of my life... up until the second it becomes personally advantageous for me to go back to opposing it.

Because that is what's best for the people of Florida, and for the people of this great nation.


Thank you!

- Marco Rubio



And let's dispense with this fiction that God doesn't bless America. He does, alright? - MR

Donald Trump Promises "Extreme Vetting" For All Bags Of 'Doritos EXTREME' Chips

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- In a recent campaign speech, Donald Trump announced that in addition to utilizing his ambiguous "extreme vetting" process for new immigrants, he also plans to use extreme vetting before consuming any bag of  'Doritos EXTREME.' A portion of Mr. Trump's statement is below:

And folks... folks... let me tell you another thing... we're also going to be taking a closer look at, and let me say- before I do, let me say that I love them, I really do- but folks... Doritos EXTREME ... it's something we're going to be looking at. We're gonna vet, we're gonna extreme vet the hell out of these chips until we can figure out what the hell is going on, because these chips- I love these chips, very flavorful chips, - but... folks... we're going to put Doritos EXTREME through the extreme vetting... we have to do it... gotta do it. 

Trump went on to say that the stakes were too high to not vet the Doritos EXTREME chips, despite the fact that "some of them, not all, but some, are my very favorite chips."

Later in the day journalists questioned the need for a government vetting process for chips produced entirely in the United States and why only the Doritos EXTREME brand of chips would require extreme vetting. Trump responded before boarding his jet: "Those are the chips.. people know where there's problems chips and those are the chips we're going to be taking a look at."

On CNN, Trump supporter Kayleigh McEnany didn't back down from Mr. Trump's proposal: "Donald Trump is not part of the political elite like Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. He knows what kind of Doritos people eat and what kind of Doritos make Americans feel a little uneasy." When pressed why Doritos EXTREME would make people uneasy, Ms. McEnany only said "We're talking about Radical Nacho Flavor here and our President can't even say the words 'Radical Nacho Flavor'."

On Fox News, Katrina Pierson made the declaration that "Before Barack Obama we didn't have any of these Doritos in this country at all and the American people were fine with it."

A spokesperson for Frito-Lay put out the following statement: "Our Doritos of any flavor, including Doritos EXTREME, have been a part of the American snack food landscape for decades and they never have- and never will- require any kind of a vetting process beyond what is already long been required by the FDA. We are proud of our Doritos EXTREME chips and will continue to deliver it's extreme nacho flavor to American consumers."