CHICAGO, IL -- Having vanquished the "Curse of the Bambino" in Boston in 2004 and the "Curse of the Billy Goat" in Chicago just this past week, Theo Epstein has embarked on an entirely new quest: to venture deep into the Burmese jungle to break the centuries old "Curse of the Jade Macaque."
It remains unclear how Epstein expects to break the infamous curse that emerged sometime in the mid-16th Century when a war between two rival tribes culminated in terrible hex upon all neighboring villages for many, many generations. It is also widely unknown what role, if any, his baseball acumen will play in his battle with ancient black magic forces; but those who know Theo aren't worried.
"The man just knows how to break curses," says Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo, speaking from his locker in Wrigley Field. "I mean, sure his specialty is putting together winning baseball teams, and I don't exactly know how his ability to make smart trades and draft well translates to lifting some otherworldly evil from Southeast Asia. But if anyone can do it, it's him." Rizzo added with a smile- "He already got Rossi to join him."
Indeed, the now-retired Cubs backup catcher David Ross was last seen in the busy marketplace of the Port of Yangon, a single duffle bag slung over his back, greeting a tanned, fedora-wearing Theo Epstein-- who apparently has already picked up conversational Burmese.
Cubs outfielder Kyle Schwarber was eager to join the adventure but has been ordered to stay home in order to continue to rest his ACL. Instead, "Schwarbs" will assist Theo and Rossi from a remote command center that has been set up in his Chicago condo. Schwarbs will also be linked up to a satellite phone that will allow him to keep up communications with the pair as they voyage far up the Ayeyarwady River.
Reports are that Theo and Ross will face any number of challenges in their quest to break the Curse of the Jade Macaque, including black market antiquities collectors, conspiratorial government officials, bands of robbers, belligerent local tribes, and, of course, the dark forces of the Jade Macaque itself-- a small carved statuette which is said to house over 10,000 cursed souls.
It is even possible that some larger geopolitical forces will have a vested interest in Epstein's journey, most likely trying to harness the power of the curse to further their own economic interests.
Rizzo acknowledges the challenges, but isn't terribly worried: "Nah, those guys will be fine. Theo knows what he's doing and I'm sure that they may find some unexpected help if things get a little too hairy." With that, Rizzo bid adieu, making sure to clandestinely slip an airplane ticket to Nyaung U International Airport into his back pocket before departing.
