Area Nazi Really Starting To Get Offended By All The Trump Comparisons

ATHENS, OH -- Local Neo-Nazi George Sunners said in an interview this week that he is becoming increasingly frustrated with comparisons to Donald Trump. Sunners, a long-time member of the white supremacist group The National Alliance, stated that Trump's simplistic manner of speaking, combined with his many business failures and history of supporting liberal policies, is an affront to die-hard, well-organized, articulate Nazis everywhere. "Mr. Trump is a disorganized carnival barker and to compare one of his bloated ramblings to the extraordinary prose of the Führer is really upsetting and, quite honestly, in very poor taste."

While Sunners says he does support Mr. Trump's repeated pro-white dog-whistle statements, tweets, and— really— entire campaign, he still has grave doubts about the sincerity of Trump’s coded promises. Sunners is not alone, as evidenced in murmurs shared during a White Supremacist BBQ this past weekend. “Sure, his candidacy has leaned into fringe alt-right support like nothing we’ve ever seen, but can we really trust a businessman from New York City? That place is like… Jew Central,” said another National Alliance member. Sunners shares the concerns of his fellow white countrymen who fear that Trump’s posturing is just that— a ruse developed to win him the GOP primary but will be abandoned should he win the White House. “I just don’t believe in the strength of his Pro-White, Anti-Semitic convictions. I don’t know if he has any convictions, to be honest. That’s what so upsetting about the whole thing.” 

Regardless of his personal distaste for Mr. Trump, Sunners says he will join many other Neo-Nazis who are willing to hold their nose and vote for Trump in the general election. “He’s far from perfect and I do wish people would stop comparing him to far superior White Supremacist Nationalists in American politics, but he’s still the best hope we’ve got,” determined Sunners. “Unless, of course,” he added. “David Duke sees how powerful our message can be and decides to make a run this year. That’s somebody I would really be proud to cast a vote for.” 

Bernie Sanders #1 DNC Demand: "Fair And Equitable" Value Assigned To All Holiday Inn Express Reward Points Amassed During Campaign

BURLINGTON, VT -- In a closed-door meeting with high-ranking DNC officials, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders made clear that his number one priority before he decides to endorse presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton is that all the Holiday Inn Express reward points he's earned over the past twelve months be accepted with "no funny business." In a lively discussion with Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz and other DNC officers, Sen. Sanders requested that every reward point should be given equal value, even points the Senator garnered while staying at a regular Holiday Inn -- "There was no Holiday Inn Express option in Ann Arbor, but the nineteen-year-old front desk attendant assured me that my stay at a regular Holiday Inn would count towards the greater Holiday Inn Express reward point total."

Sen. Sanders was also concerned about certain Holiday Inn Express stays where he used the express check-out option on his in-room television, but wasn't sure if those stays were factored in to his reward account. There was also an extended conversation about the limitations of using the reward points to book during peak times and other blackout dates. "The Holiday Inn Express reward points system is trying to box out the working class from getting the full value and benefit of their points," said Sen. Sanders - "It is all part of a rigged economy where the top 1% has 90% of the wealth and that same 1% are able to plan vacations without worrying about their reward points being refused because it happens to be the peak period of Labor Day weekend in the Poconos."

The DNC was assured by Sen. Sanders that once the committee and the Sanders campaign come to an agreement about the Holiday Inn Express reward point total, they would move on to secondary issues such as changing key elements of the Democratic platform and the circumstances of any kind of endorsement of Secretary Clinton by Sen. Sanders. "I thought these Super-delegates were annoying to keep track of" said Sen. Sanders as he left the meeting, "but they got nothing on this fakakta reward points system. When we do this again in four years I'll just sleep in a damn VW van like we did in the sixties."